Although I recognize times where old patterning has it's teeth still sunken into my skin, there was a topic that has come up a lot lately that I felt needed some light shed on it...
Lately, with my group coaching community, we've been discussing a lot about how society points women against each other.
It's those sneaky thoughts of...
"It's not acceptable to be friends with your boyfriend/husband/fiancee's ex"
"Two powerful women in a company must be enemies"
Or even... "She's your competition so you must hate each other, right?"
It's engrained in our society so deeply that when the opposite is true, everyone is confused.
A dear friend recently shared a story about meeting her partner's ex, where their hug and hello brought on very surprised looks from those around.
Unfortunately, this is normal. Women are pinned against each other, and lead to believe that other women do not have their highest good in mind.
With this particular topic, I have plenty of expertise. As a young girl, I was aggressively bullied, to the point where I didn't feel safe to go to school.
Most days, I was afraid that at some point, I would be alone and the wrong person would find me.
I didn't even need society to tell me that women were my enemies, because I created that reality already as a child.
Coming into adulthood, this believe was reinforced. I worked in a highly competitive door to door sales environment, where numbers were everything.
At any given time, there was maybe 1 woman per 20 men. The skewed ratio of men to women meant that any woman doing well was NOTICED.
If one woman was on top and the other started creeping in, comments about "oh she's going to steal your top spot" would flood in.
My own wounded masculine was coming through and I deeply cared about being on top.
Even with the women that weren't portrayed as my enemies, I struggled to hold meaningful relationships. There was always something that didn't align with us, or if it did, they would leave the company right away.
The funny thing is, I was creating the unpleasant situations for myself, even though I didn't know it.
Here's the fun truth...
We always create the exact reality we are looking for.
If we are looking for women in our lives that are going to hurt us, that is exactly what we will find.
If we are looking to be broke and sad, that is exactly what will happen.
Even if we are looking for a partner to cheat on us (old patterning can do that!!!), they will.
So in my case, I would meet women, with my belief system from childhood, and magically we would not get along.
The majority of the time, when we are creating a painful reality for ourselves, we are doing it unconsciously.
Think about your brain as a complex computer. As a child, you create software that runs automatically.
Your brain has to run programs automatically or else you would die. Think of breathing, as an example.
Running programs unconsciously has a benefit, for sure, but if we aren't aware of what programs are running, we can be creating emotional turmoil or suffering for ourselves.
You can delete software, and rewrite new programs, but unless you catch those programs, they will run day in and day out.
When it came to my program of "women being an enemy", I didn't know it was there, but it was VERY clearly running rampant in the background.
For me, the majority of healing this pattern had to come from rewriting it. When it came to consciously seeing women as something I needed in my life, it wasn't as simple as catching the thoughts.
Mostly because the patterns were so deeply engrained they simply showed up just as feelings.
To really heal, I had to put myself in situations where I was connecting with women, being vulnerable, and going against my own ego to learn otherwise.
My biggest period of healing came from a week long trip to Sedona, where I ended up staying with 12 women in a house.
Before leaving, I was terrified, mostly because I knew I would be surrounded by INCREDIBLY powerful women. I felt a familiar fear of being left out, or like I would show up and they would all hate me.
Not so surprisingly, those women were incredible. Suddenly, when I wasn't expecting the worst, I found a tribe of sisters that were just like me.
Through that trip, I made some of my closest female friendships, but it is because I did one particular thing...
I expected the best out of every woman I met.
When we are in a situation where we have had past trauma or previous emotional turmoil, it's easy to take a stance of looking for the worst.
It's the idea that "they'll probably fuck me over but I'll give them a chance anyway".
By taking this mindset in this example, we are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy with the women in our lives. When things don't work out, it's just another time that your mind is right.
Rather than expecting the worst, the easiest way to rewrite this is to start expecting the best.
It is much easier said than done, but the truth is, everyone is doing the best they can in this moment with the tools they have.
It's important to notice that their best might not look the same as your best. Regardless, they are doing exactly what they can right now.
It is okay to give someone a chance and to realize that it's not the right person in your life. It's also okay to try and have things not work out.
The difference is the mindset you have going into it that makes all the difference.
With any old pattern, it takes a bit of time uncomfortably going against the grain. There is inevitably going to be some times where you'll have to step past your ego, and show up in truth and vulnerability.
There are times where you will get hurt, and times where the old pattern will come around and say "I told you so", but there's light at the end of that tunnel.
If you're a man reading this, I ask of you this...
If you have pinned women against each other, either jokingly or intentionally, forgive yourself for this behaviour.
You did not know any better, and were doing the best you could with the tools you had. All is forgiven.
From this moment forward, empower women to deepen their connections with each other. We are in deep need of tribe, sisterhood and divine feminine support.
And for my lovely, dear sisters reading, I offer you this...
If reading this post, a tightness came in your body, or familiar thoughts came up, honor them.
You are bringing this area of growth into your awareness, and it may feel scary at first.
We are leading the way to help women reconnect with their soul sisters, and you are an important piece of that puzzle.
Always look for the best in every woman (and other person you meet too), and trust that the right people will always find their ways into your life.
Lastly, if you are looking for tribe, or have a sister, friend or woman in your life that could use a little divine feminine love, check out my coaching community.
This beautiful community is called The Sisterhood, and it is the perfect safe space to grow, break through some of those old patterns, and find a tribe of soul sisters.
Registration opens on September 28th for a limited time. To hop on the waitlist, click here!