Dancing with Masculine Essence

True masculine essence lives in a place of ever-present death. It is the knowing that nothing is needed be added or taken away and that the only thing that matters is the present moment.

 

Growing up, I danced so heavily in my masculine and it was where I felt safe. But my masculine nature was a mask that covered a very, very afraid feminine side. The masks of masculinity searched for comfort in places of danger, places where I got close to death. Although this was not a conscious thought pattern at the time, I frequently found myself in unsafe situations. As a young adult, I danced with aggressive alcohol and drug use, but my favorite way to "taste death" was to find dangerous partners.

 

Aggressive men felt comfortable and safe. By the time I was at the age where I was finding romantic partners, I was familiar with romance and love being proven to me through abuse and violence. If a safe and loving partner happened to fall in to my life, I would either unknowingly...

Continue Reading...

Being out of Control

I don’t have it all figured out. I don’t have much of anything figured out. And that is perfectly fine.

 

I frequently get caught up in the idea that I need to be perfect, all the time, no matter what. Despite knowing that no one has it all figured out, some part of me associates personal inadequacy with not having my life all put together.

 

I am an emotional creature. I cry, all the damn time. I feel love, joy, bliss, and gratitude so deeply that it can bring me to tears. I truly put my whole heart into everything that I do. The flip side of that is the reality that with feeling all of the "good emotions" deeply, I also get to feel every single one of the "bad emotions" just as deeply. I feel sadness, depression, guilt, shame, unworthiness and all of the colors of the dark feelings with my whole heart too.

 

As I've begun to grow into my own voice, I've started to pride myself on being an open minded and somewhat knowledgeable person. I can share...

Continue Reading...

A Busy Distraction

I find comfort in being "too busy". Despite complaints and the usual exhaustion that I express after non-stop busyness, this state is one in which I truly thrive. I love to problem solve. I love the last minute reaction that "I got this" or "I'll figure it out", because I have a knowing that I always do.

 

The days that seem to get scooped up from under me and turn into back to back meetings, or spending a day putting out world-ending fires are actually my favorites. It's not consciously my favorite, of course, but on a deeper, more subconscious level. It feels like the day happens to me and not for me but it's an intoxicating feeling. I find so much safety and comfort in feeling stressed. I can look back at the end of the day with accomplishment and feel like I did enough to be worthy of praise and love that day.

 

Other days, I will peacefully work my way along and scratch off tasks from the planner that I had carefully filled out in the morning prior. Everything will go...

Continue Reading...

Honoring the Divine Feminine

I frequently find ways to honor my body and soul. Sometimes this looks like spending several hours "getting ready" in the morning before work; I might start with meditation, jump into a bubble bath followed by slipping into lingerie and a silky robe and dancing around with a face mask on. Sometimes honoring myself can be saying no and taking time to reflect and recover if I need it. My most recent and extravagant way of honoring myself was to hold a ceremony for my menstrual cycle.

 

Honestly, I've been extremely out of alignment with my body for most of my life. Despite working out almost daily (and sometimes as much as twice a day!), I hated looking at my body naked. I loved to have sex fully naked, but in the dark, with all lights off, my eyes closed and a nice layer of blankets around to semi-shield direct exposure. But, above all my other body image quirks and painful self talk, nothing brought more self-loathing and disgust than my own menstrual cycle.

 

Ah,...

Continue Reading...

Letting Go of Shame

I have a deep, deep desire to be wanted. I couldn't always put the words to what that need was, but looking back now, I can recognize this starting as early as childhood. I needed to fit in with the kids at school, I wanted to be the popular kid, centre of attention. This flowed into when I was a young adult, always needing people to invite me and being crushed if I wasn't involved. It also showed up when I started getting attention from men.

 

So now, as I sit on the couch, bawling in the fetal position, at 7AM I type this. Sometimes, getting triggered to look into the trauma of my past and my shadow is fucking painful. I've hidden and pushed down so much guilt and shame in the trauma of my past. It's served me long enough, to get to this point, but there comes a day and a time where it stops serving me and gets to become medicine for myself and others. Today is that day.

 

While making a "sexy" playlist, dancing music to sway my hips to, I came upon a song that triggered...

Continue Reading...

Let's Talk Pleasure

I am a pleasure activist. What does that mean? To me, that means I care about and engage myself and others in things that are pleasurable. I speak, write and converse about what feels good. Sometimes I become a victim of my own need for instant gratification, like the feeling that comes when I decide to go back to bed in the morning and skip a workout. But when I really listen to what "feels good" I know that sleeping in and skipping the gym provides about ten percent of the feel good vibes I would get if I had absolute crushed a hard workout. The feeling of leaving the gym, knowing that I truly pushed myself and gave it my all has a much bigger payout.

 

In life, we are always looking to run towards pleasure or run away from pain. That part is human nature; all of our unconscious actions and trauma related beliefs work to shield us. I've found that when consistently searching for pleasure, I spend much less time having to run away from pain. I am able to use pleasure and what...

Continue Reading...

Journey to Worthiness

I do not need to speak or interact in order to be of value. I am worthy of showing up in silence, without "doing something" and letting my energy alone be all that I provide.

 

This is a lesson that was hard for me to learn. I have spent most of my life wanting to show up to be ideal or perfect in other people's eyes. This is not always a bad way to live because it made me push myself to get involved and meet people. But I would easily find myself feeling guilty in the times that I was unable to perform for others. I always felt obligated to be lively and active at parties and I felt like the times when I didn't feel like socializing, something was wrong with me.

 

Growing up, I fit into a semi-popular girl role. I was invited to the parties and did fun stuff with the cool kids but I always felt like I needed to put in too much effort for a situation that made me anxious. I was anxious when I went out and even more anxious if I didn't. FOMO was a very real fear because I...

Continue Reading...

Fear of the Feminine

I'm packing up my bag in preparation for a very exciting women's retreat, but I'm scared. Why would I be scared of a women's retreat? Simply put, I've spent most of my life afraid of the feminine, both in myself and in others. Before I go on any further, I must say, I have incredible women in my life. One of my best friends since the first days I can remember is a beautiful, adventurous, wild woman. As I've grown and connected to my own divine feminine, I've expanded my sister circle to include so many goddesses that I learn from and grow with everyday. But, I still have fear now and I've had this fear for a very long time.

 

When I was younger, I was homeschooled. I transitioned into public school in the second grade, all wide eyed, bushy tailed and full of unstoppable love. Prior to starting public school, each homeschooled student is tested to determine their grade level. This testing, in partnership with their age determines where they can and should start in the school...

Continue Reading...

Thoughts of the Body

I've bounced back and forth between writing about body image for months now, primarily because it's one of those ideas I have not quite gotten a grip on. I feel like missing the physical part of the whole "self love" game makes me feel like a bit of a fraud.

 

I can say that over the last few years, I physically haven't changed much. I've gained a little weight, lost a little weight, filled out with muscle and had things normalize. My point with this is that despite the fact that physically I have not changed a whole lot, the voice inside my head is certain that several times per day, I go from being "super model hot" to practically bursting out of my clothing in all the most unflattering places. Internally, I create this perception of what I am that is different from reality and it comes with an aggressive inner critic.

 

The internal critic is genuinely not satisfied most of the time and I let this dissatisfaction rule how I've felt about my body for far too long. This...

Continue Reading...

Sunlight

During my normal morning gym routine this morning, I had put on an audiobook as I cooled my body down. All of my content lately is directed at femininity, growth, sexual exploration and pleasure and of course the audiobook I had chosen fell into all of those categories. Although the entire book has been full of gems, one particular part sparked my attention. It went something along the lines of:

As the sun shines, she sees that the whole world is covered in her glow and therefore assumes that everyone else is the sun too. Everyone can see that she alone is the sun, but because she is in it, she cannot see.

 

I had to pause and stop what I was doing in order to breathe this in. Each and every one of us is our own sun. We shine our gifts onto those around us, and have been doing so for as long as we have existed, but are not always aware of the impact we have. Our light may be shining the way into a previously dim path for someone struggling. Because we have spent every day since...

Continue Reading...
Close

Subscribe for Blog Notifications and Bonus Content

Type your name and email below for instant access.