What Feels Right

Turns out there is one magic way to fast track self-love; do shit that makes you feel good. It sounds simple and you're probably thinking "well, obviously?". But, we don't always action the knowledge we have. Truly doing things that make you feel good and make your heart sing work to unlock the parts of your heart that may have been closed off or hidden away. Of course, it's impossible to do only things that make you feel good. You'll still have to speak about your feelings when it's uncomfortable and you will still have to push yourself when things get tough, but all of those things seem a little easier when there's more love in everything else you do.

 

The hardest part of doing more of what makes you feel good is that you might actually not know what those things are. We all have this magical compass inside that points us towards what is right and wrong but when you spend your whole life ignoring it, or doing the opposite, that compass gradually becomes harder to read. The...

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Dreaming

Dreams are ways that our subconscious communicates to our conscious mind and they are a way for your mind to work through trauma and emotions. My whole life, I've had very vivid dreams; some dreams are beautiful and wonderful but the majority of the vivid dreams are aggressive, violent and heavy to work through. In the last year, the dreams have increased to the point where I am able to interpret lessons from my subconscious almost every night.

For months, I had struggled to work through painful dreams. I would wake up feeling exhausted and energetically exhausted before my day had even started. Lots of times, I was reliving abuse or variations of traumatic experiences I've already had to live through. To put it lightly, it was hell. It started to mess with my morning workouts and routine and overall health because I would need to spend hours working through the crying and excess of emotions.

I'd like to say now that I am on the other side of this chapter in my life but I'm likely...

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Coping with Loss

I lost someone close to me; back in a time when I didn't have a clue what loss was or what close to me could really mean. But, I lost someone I cared about and it broke me. Even to this day, the grooves where my emotional responses stem from, I feel the triggers lie deep. Every now and again, I will feel the emotion where logic could never be and a harmless conversation takes me to a place of guilt and deep, deep sadness.

 

Just over two years ago, after a brief and bright beginning of a relationship, a person I had cared about so passionately had passed. It was never fully explained to me if the passing was an accident or not, but there was always a huge level of guilt that I had felt around the situation. Close to the time of his passing, this wonderful, kind spirit had expressed his painful emotional struggle. He was going through the depths of hell and was struggling to keep going. I had been in the same place, just a few years previously, but I didn't have the language or...

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Tribe

As we go through our journey in life, we attract the people we need in our lives. Whether we need them for support, change, challenge or growth, we always bring in exactly what we need. It's wild and amazing to think that this is the truth but the beautiful thing is, the more you are aware of it, the more you can appreciate and work with it.

Think of all the people that have come and gone. Think of all the friendships you've crashed into and drifted apart. Think of all of the relationships you ended up in and then couldn't imagine life without. When you are able to look back at the people that have come into your life and left, the lessons they brought with them are often clear. Some lessons were likely easier to swallow and some probably hurt like hell.

Now when you look at the people in your life at this moment, hopefully you feel gratitude, love and compassion. Unfortunately, not every friendship, relationship or partnership is the prettiest so that might not be the case. Take a...

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Commitments

Just over a year ago, I committed to being the best version of myself so I was able to attract more meaningful relationships with better people into my life. I was surrounded by people that wanted me to succeed and my sheer love and gratitude for those people enabled me to push to become better in all aspects of my life. A few weeks later, I was sitting down with someone I deeply cared about and they spoke so highly of all the characteristics I had displayed that they had appreciated about me. Life was blissful and I had felt accomplished. Fast forward just under a year, I'm sitting in a room surrounded by some of the same peers I had worked so hard to connect with last year and I was swallowed by an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. Not disappointment in others, but disappointment in myself. The insecurity that all of the characteristics they had valued were "just for show" and that I was sitting across from them as a fake.

The feeling was heavy but luckily short lived. As I...

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Silence and What it Teaches

Uncategorized Apr 30, 2019

After coming down from a few back to back travel highs, I had spent a few weeks feeling disconnected and eager to runaway. The feeling of "needing to runaway" is usually sneaky, like a subtle push to look at last minute flights. I was typing my credit card details in on a spur of the moment trip to Amsterdam when I decided maybe I should look inward at what was pushing me outward and away.

 

Everyone has patterns in their lives that cause them to recreate the same situations from their past to either avoid pain or to cause familiar pain. Unfortunately, without recognition, we will live in these same patterns for our whole lives. Luckily enough, I know that if you're reading this, you have started or are well in to the journey of discovery into those patterns. It starts with awareness and from there we build new patterns and habits that serve our highest self.

My pattern has always been to runaway in order to avoid pain. I love thinking that the grass is greener or that by...

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Surrender

Uncategorized Apr 14, 2019

I frequently struggle with this idea of giving up control. From growing up with the idea of being a "strong independent woman that doesn't need help from anyone", I have an incredible power to do things on my own. When I was a child, I was certain I could dress myself, feed myself and do everything without needing help. My mother was an absolute angel because I know my independence as a child traditionally meant I was stubborn and sassy. Through becoming a young adult, this need to do things on my own would manifest itself in having an "attitude problem" and going against the grain. Although all of the progression of this through my life manifested into different challenges and issues, I've only begun to work at changing it as an adult.

 

My independence makes me a strong, dedicated powerhouse of productivity and energy. But it also puts up a massive wall in between myself and surrender. Surrendering can be asking for help when I need it, admitting when I don’t know how...

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Handling Challenges

Uncategorized Apr 04, 2019

Life will give you exactly what you need to grow and become closer to your higher self. This is the beautiful thing about our journey, we are constantly faced with the opportunity to lean into who we are meant to be. Unfortunately, this also means that sometimes you're going to be face first against a brick wall of shit you don't want to deal with. This ever-evolving storm of people or situations that are thrown at us right when we think life is peachy, can be daunting and disheartening.  After weeks of gratitude for near perfection in my life, a curveball of learning was tossed my way. My initial response, which is likely the common response, was to get energetically worked up. I became emotional and started looking for an escape. As escaping and running away had always been my favorite tactic, I immediately went into flight mode and tried to look for a way to get out of the situation. Worked up, emotional and trying to run away, I recognized a very familiar feeling. Through...

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Saying Yes

Uncategorized Mar 28, 2019

I had been an active sexual woman for many years (maybe more than I would like to admit at my age…), but it wasn't until I started diving into femininity and sexual healing that I realized I had a serious blind spot. Through many books, practices and partners,  I had explored different aspects of my sexuality. This included acts of pleasure for others that I would never find pleasurable.  Things like sucking on toes or licking inside someone's ear.  Even acts of self expression or pleasure by myself such as moving my hips into the mattress, or allowing myself to explore with sound. What I didn't realize was that I actually had been holding myself back from going "full out" with sound for my whole life.  

 

Well, maybe not my whole life, probably somewhere in my lifetime I was expressive and vocal and wild as a child,  but somewhere along the way I had lost my voice. From the smallest things, like not wanting to speak up in class without fully...

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Your Voice

Uncategorized Mar 19, 2019

Each of us has unseen power in our voice. Not just the sound we can create or the volume we produce, but the strength and depth in our message.

 

I, like many others in this world, had my voiced silenced as a child. Different circumstances or situations with our families or guardians will teach us right from wrong and good from bad. But as right and wrong are subjective, so is the experience we have.  Thus, leading to potential trauma as an adult. For me, this trauma was centered around the inability to speak about my needs. My father had unintentionally taught me that my voice did not matter at a very young age, and this was magnified into adulthood. Physical or verbal punishment came from speaking and this taught me that, sometimes it was better to stay quiet and keep others happy. Although this works as a way to get through life, it leads to massive identity loss and doesn't allow for real connection. Without speaking your truth, you can never genuinely be...

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