The Wounded Masculine

If you would have asked me a year ago if I was more in my masculine energy or my feminine energy, I would have, without question, said masculine. 

I always fit in with the boys, I was always a top sales person, I could do anything I put my mind to, and I was independent as hell. 

The more I started to explore and understand healthy, embodied divine masculine and feminine energy, I realized I was showing up in my masculine, but it was severely wounded.

 

The Embodied Divine Masculine

I think it's easier to understand the difference in wounded and divine, healthy masculine energy by starting with the latter. 

When we embody the divine masculine, we are deeply in the present moment. 

We are confident, secure, and strong. 

We are able to handle each moment as though it is our last, but without fear of that truth.

On the other hand, the wounded masculine needs to prove themselvesdoesn't accept criticism, and fears the time where they may be seen...

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Masculine and Feminine Balance

I often find myself swinging too far into my masculine energy and needing to overcorrect.

 

If you see me, I likely look like I'm heavily in my feminine energy more often than not. I wear a lot of flowy dresses, I move my body in delicate ways, and I am smiling even when I cry.

The physical body I show up in is very feminine, but my actions and energy have been highly masculine for a long time.

 

Growing up, I learned to believe that in order to be loved, I had to be doing something. I had to be useful to those around me and I had to be achieving. I sure got a lot of love from all of the things I would do, awards I would win, and high grades I would get, but it taught me that simply being was wrong. 

 

Unconsciously, these beliefs carried on into adulthood. As a young saleswoman, I had something to prove and I would do ANYTHING it took to be the best. Not so surprisingly, I became the best, but I destroyed my body and connection to myself in the process.

 

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Dancing with Masculine Essence

True masculine essence lives in a place of ever-present death. It is the knowing that nothing is needed be added or taken away and that the only thing that matters is the present moment.

 

Growing up, I danced so heavily in my masculine and it was where I felt safe. But my masculine nature was a mask that covered a very, very afraid feminine side. The masks of masculinity searched for comfort in places of danger, places where I got close to death. Although this was not a conscious thought pattern at the time, I frequently found myself in unsafe situations. As a young adult, I danced with aggressive alcohol and drug use, but my favorite way to "taste death" was to find dangerous partners.

 

Aggressive men felt comfortable and safe. By the time I was at the age where I was finding romantic partners, I was familiar with romance and love being proven to me through abuse and violence. If a safe and loving partner happened to fall in to my life, I would either unknowingly...

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Honoring the Divine Feminine

I frequently find ways to honor my body and soul. Sometimes this looks like spending several hours "getting ready" in the morning before work; I might start with meditation, jump into a bubble bath followed by slipping into lingerie and a silky robe and dancing around with a face mask on. Sometimes honoring myself can be saying no and taking time to reflect and recover if I need it. My most recent and extravagant way of honoring myself was to hold a ceremony for my menstrual cycle.

 

Honestly, I've been extremely out of alignment with my body for most of my life. Despite working out almost daily (and sometimes as much as twice a day!), I hated looking at my body naked. I loved to have sex fully naked, but in the dark, with all lights off, my eyes closed and a nice layer of blankets around to semi-shield direct exposure. But, above all my other body image quirks and painful self talk, nothing brought more self-loathing and disgust than my own menstrual cycle.

 

Ah,...

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Letting Go of Shame

I have a deep, deep desire to be wanted. I couldn't always put the words to what that need was, but looking back now, I can recognize this starting as early as childhood. I needed to fit in with the kids at school, I wanted to be the popular kid, centre of attention. This flowed into when I was a young adult, always needing people to invite me and being crushed if I wasn't involved. It also showed up when I started getting attention from men.

 

So now, as I sit on the couch, bawling in the fetal position, at 7AM I type this. Sometimes, getting triggered to look into the trauma of my past and my shadow is fucking painful. I've hidden and pushed down so much guilt and shame in the trauma of my past. It's served me long enough, to get to this point, but there comes a day and a time where it stops serving me and gets to become medicine for myself and others. Today is that day.

 

While making a "sexy" playlist, dancing music to sway my hips to, I came upon a song that triggered...

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Fear of the Feminine

I'm packing up my bag in preparation for a very exciting women's retreat, but I'm scared. Why would I be scared of a women's retreat? Simply put, I've spent most of my life afraid of the feminine, both in myself and in others. Before I go on any further, I must say, I have incredible women in my life. One of my best friends since the first days I can remember is a beautiful, adventurous, wild woman. As I've grown and connected to my own divine feminine, I've expanded my sister circle to include so many goddesses that I learn from and grow with everyday. But, I still have fear now and I've had this fear for a very long time.

 

When I was younger, I was homeschooled. I transitioned into public school in the second grade, all wide eyed, bushy tailed and full of unstoppable love. Prior to starting public school, each homeschooled student is tested to determine their grade level. This testing, in partnership with their age determines where they can and should start in the school...

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What Feels Right

Turns out there is one magic way to fast track self-love; do shit that makes you feel good. It sounds simple and you're probably thinking "well, obviously?". But, we don't always action the knowledge we have. Truly doing things that make you feel good and make your heart sing work to unlock the parts of your heart that may have been closed off or hidden away. Of course, it's impossible to do only things that make you feel good. You'll still have to speak about your feelings when it's uncomfortable and you will still have to push yourself when things get tough, but all of those things seem a little easier when there's more love in everything else you do.

 

The hardest part of doing more of what makes you feel good is that you might actually not know what those things are. We all have this magical compass inside that points us towards what is right and wrong but when you spend your whole life ignoring it, or doing the opposite, that compass gradually becomes harder to read. The...

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Coping with Loss

I lost someone close to me; back in a time when I didn't have a clue what loss was or what close to me could really mean. But, I lost someone I cared about and it broke me. Even to this day, the grooves where my emotional responses stem from, I feel the triggers lie deep. Every now and again, I will feel the emotion where logic could never be and a harmless conversation takes me to a place of guilt and deep, deep sadness.

 

Just over two years ago, after a brief and bright beginning of a relationship, a person I had cared about so passionately had passed. It was never fully explained to me if the passing was an accident or not, but there was always a huge level of guilt that I had felt around the situation. Close to the time of his passing, this wonderful, kind spirit had expressed his painful emotional struggle. He was going through the depths of hell and was struggling to keep going. I had been in the same place, just a few years previously, but I didn't have the language or...

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