Uncertainty & What's Right

growth truth uncertainty Dec 20, 2020

If you’re feeling charged about the vaccine, read this.

If you’re feeling charged about terms and conditions changing, read this.

If you need to take a step back and be reminded that it’s all okay.. you guessed it, read this.

 

No one has any idea what the fuck is right.

Let’s be real, even if we are fully certain about something, there’s always a whisper of uncertainty.

 

At one point, we may have been certain we wanted to be a firefighter.

As a child, you may have had 1000% certainty of that being your truth. And it was!

 

Now you may say, well, I was a kid, all I cared about was wearing my favorite jammies all day and eating candy, and yeah you’re probably right.

 

But what about that partner that you thought was your soul mate?

What about that job that you were certain you would make you feel important and valuable, or that number in your bank account that you were certain would solve all your problems?

You were...

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Invitations and Permission

It all started with a decision that I could give myself permission.

Earlier this year, I was back on the beach in Tulum, following an ecstatic dance. I was sweaty and covered in sand, sitting down so I could connect with the earth and I stared up at the beautiful full moon. The moon’s light lit up the entire beach and painted rays along the ocean below. The dance was hosted steps from the ocean and by the time we had finished, I wanted nothing more than to be in the water. I was bleeding and was on one of the very last days of my bleed. I had felt so deeply connected to the divine feminine in that moment. I had gotten up from the sand and walked towards the ocean and suddenly felt called to get naked. Just as quickly as the thought came up, another thought followed: “what would people think?” All of the sudden, I was certain that I would be judged or make the others uncomfortable, despite not having any real source of the fear. No one had expressed...

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A Busy Distraction

I find comfort in being "too busy". Despite complaints and the usual exhaustion that I express after non-stop busyness, this state is one in which I truly thrive. I love to problem solve. I love the last minute reaction that "I got this" or "I'll figure it out", because I have a knowing that I always do.

 

The days that seem to get scooped up from under me and turn into back to back meetings, or spending a day putting out world-ending fires are actually my favorites. It's not consciously my favorite, of course, but on a deeper, more subconscious level. It feels like the day happens to me and not for me but it's an intoxicating feeling. I find so much safety and comfort in feeling stressed. I can look back at the end of the day with accomplishment and feel like I did enough to be worthy of praise and love that day.

 

Other days, I will peacefully work my way along and scratch off tasks from the planner that I had carefully filled out in the morning prior. Everything will go...

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Sunlight

During my normal morning gym routine this morning, I had put on an audiobook as I cooled my body down. All of my content lately is directed at femininity, growth, sexual exploration and pleasure and of course the audiobook I had chosen fell into all of those categories. Although the entire book has been full of gems, one particular part sparked my attention. It went something along the lines of:

As the sun shines, she sees that the whole world is covered in her glow and therefore assumes that everyone else is the sun too. Everyone can see that she alone is the sun, but because she is in it, she cannot see.

 

I had to pause and stop what I was doing in order to breathe this in. Each and every one of us is our own sun. We shine our gifts onto those around us, and have been doing so for as long as we have existed, but are not always aware of the impact we have. Our light may be shining the way into a previously dim path for someone struggling. Because we have spent every day since...

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Coping with Loss

I lost someone close to me; back in a time when I didn't have a clue what loss was or what close to me could really mean. But, I lost someone I cared about and it broke me. Even to this day, the grooves where my emotional responses stem from, I feel the triggers lie deep. Every now and again, I will feel the emotion where logic could never be and a harmless conversation takes me to a place of guilt and deep, deep sadness.

 

Just over two years ago, after a brief and bright beginning of a relationship, a person I had cared about so passionately had passed. It was never fully explained to me if the passing was an accident or not, but there was always a huge level of guilt that I had felt around the situation. Close to the time of his passing, this wonderful, kind spirit had expressed his painful emotional struggle. He was going through the depths of hell and was struggling to keep going. I had been in the same place, just a few years previously, but I didn't have the language or...

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Commitments

Just over a year ago, I committed to being the best version of myself so I was able to attract more meaningful relationships with better people into my life. I was surrounded by people that wanted me to succeed and my sheer love and gratitude for those people enabled me to push to become better in all aspects of my life. A few weeks later, I was sitting down with someone I deeply cared about and they spoke so highly of all the characteristics I had displayed that they had appreciated about me. Life was blissful and I had felt accomplished. Fast forward just under a year, I'm sitting in a room surrounded by some of the same peers I had worked so hard to connect with last year and I was swallowed by an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. Not disappointment in others, but disappointment in myself. The insecurity that all of the characteristics they had valued were "just for show" and that I was sitting across from them as a fake.

The feeling was heavy but luckily short lived. As I...

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