If you would have asked me a year ago if I was more in my masculine energy or my feminine energy, I would have, without question, said masculine.
I always fit in with the boys, I was always a top sales person, I could do anything I put my mind to, and I was independent as hell.
The more I started to explore and understand healthy, embodied divine masculine and feminine energy, I realized I was showing up in my masculine, but it was severely wounded.
I think it's easier to understand the difference in wounded and divine, healthy masculine energy by starting with the latter.
When we embody the divine masculine, we are deeply in the present moment.
We are confident, secure, and strong.
We are able to handle each moment as though it is our last, but without fear of that truth.
On the other hand, the wounded masculine needs to prove themselves, doesn't accept criticism, and fears the time where they may be seen...
I often find myself swinging too far into my masculine energy and needing to overcorrect.
If you see me, I likely look like I'm heavily in my feminine energy more often than not. I wear a lot of flowy dresses, I move my body in delicate ways, and I am smiling even when I cry.
The physical body I show up in is very feminine, but my actions and energy have been highly masculine for a long time.
Growing up, I learned to believe that in order to be loved, I had to be doing something. I had to be useful to those around me and I had to be achieving. I sure got a lot of love from all of the things I would do, awards I would win, and high grades I would get, but it taught me that simply being was wrong.
Unconsciously, these beliefs carried on into adulthood. As a young saleswoman, I had something to prove and I would do ANYTHING it took to be the best. Not so surprisingly, I became the best, but I destroyed my body and connection to myself in the process.
True masculine essence lives in a place of ever-present death. It is the knowing that nothing is needed be added or taken away and that the only thing that matters is the present moment.
Growing up, I danced so heavily in my masculine and it was where I felt safe. But my masculine nature was a mask that covered a very, very afraid feminine side. The masks of masculinity searched for comfort in places of danger, places where I got close to death. Although this was not a conscious thought pattern at the time, I frequently found myself in unsafe situations. As a young adult, I danced with aggressive alcohol and drug use, but my favorite way to "taste death" was to find dangerous partners.
Aggressive men felt comfortable and safe. By the time I was at the age where I was finding romantic partners, I was familiar with romance and love being proven to me through abuse and violence. If a safe and loving partner happened to fall in to my life, I would either unknowingly...
I find comfort in being "too busy". Despite complaints and the usual exhaustion that I express after non-stop busyness, this state is one in which I truly thrive. I love to problem solve. I love the last minute reaction that "I got this" or "I'll figure it out", because I have a knowing that I always do.
The days that seem to get scooped up from under me and turn into back to back meetings, or spending a day putting out world-ending fires are actually my favorites. It's not consciously my favorite, of course, but on a deeper, more subconscious level. It feels like the day happens to me and not for me but it's an intoxicating feeling. I find so much safety and comfort in feeling stressed. I can look back at the end of the day with accomplishment and feel like I did enough to be worthy of praise and love that day.
Other days, I will peacefully work my way along and scratch off tasks from the planner that I had carefully filled out in the morning prior. Everything will go...
I frequently find ways to honor my body and soul. Sometimes this looks like spending several hours "getting ready" in the morning before work; I might start with meditation, jump into a bubble bath followed by slipping into lingerie and a silky robe and dancing around with a face mask on. Sometimes honoring myself can be saying no and taking time to reflect and recover if I need it. My most recent and extravagant way of honoring myself was to hold a ceremony for my menstrual cycle.
Honestly, I've been extremely out of alignment with my body for most of my life. Despite working out almost daily (and sometimes as much as twice a day!), I hated looking at my body naked. I loved to have sex fully naked, but in the dark, with all lights off, my eyes closed and a nice layer of blankets around to semi-shield direct exposure. But, above all my other body image quirks and painful self talk, nothing brought more self-loathing and disgust than my own menstrual cycle.
I have a deep, deep desire to be wanted. I couldn't always put the words to what that need was, but looking back now, I can recognize this starting as early as childhood. I needed to fit in with the kids at school, I wanted to be the popular kid, centre of attention. This flowed into when I was a young adult, always needing people to invite me and being crushed if I wasn't involved. It also showed up when I started getting attention from men.
So now, as I sit on the couch, bawling in the fetal position, at 7AM I type this. Sometimes, getting triggered to look into the trauma of my past and my shadow is fucking painful. I've hidden and pushed down so much guilt and shame in the trauma of my past. It's served me long enough, to get to this point, but there comes a day and a time where it stops serving me and gets to become medicine for myself and others. Today is that day.
While making a "sexy" playlist, dancing music to sway my hips to, I came upon a song that triggered...