Movement has the power to pull us out of our heads and drop us back into our bodies. When we come back in to our bodies, we can feel and process emotions, trauma and move through energy that has gotten stuck.
The process doesn't need to be hard or difficult, sometimes it just takes a step back from what is bright in your awareness.
After repeated trauma, I made a decision to start being active and it may have been what saved my life.
I used to be deep in my cave of sadness, riddled with fear and crippled by anxiety. Trauma from childhood and my teenage years created this overall feeling of numbness that I felt as a young adult.
I was so stuck in my head, completely numb to my body, and I was struggling.
I would suffer from panic attacks, I was on the verge of suicide and most of the days I would get up, just to go back to bed.
I was stubborn (let's be real, I still am), and after...
If you would have asked me a year ago if I was more in my masculine energy or my feminine energy, I would have, without question, said masculine.
I always fit in with the boys, I was always a top sales person, I could do anything I put my mind to, and I was independent as hell.
The more I started to explore and understand healthy, embodied divine masculine and feminine energy, I realized I was showing up in my masculine, but it was severely wounded.
I think it's easier to understand the difference in wounded and divine, healthy masculine energy by starting with the latter.
When we embody the divine masculine, we are deeply in the present moment.
We are confident, secure, and strong.
We are able to handle each moment as though it is our last, but without fear of that truth.
On the other hand, the wounded masculine needs to prove themselves, doesn't accept criticism, and fears the time where they may be seen...
This month, my group coaching community and I have been diving into emotions and it has already been a hell of a ride.
I've been able to hold space for others as emotions have come up for them, but I've also had so many opportunities to be a gentle observer of my own emotions.
Throughout this journey, I've gotten clarity on a few things:
I think it's important to understand that your relationship with emotions now was determined by your parents and upbringing.
If you have done a ton of work, processed your trauma, broken through the patterns of your family's history and have moved past this, you can skip reading this, but I'm not sure everyone has...
In most cases, we are operating from a place of unconscious behaviour and patterning, and may not "know any better".
As we grow up, we are exposed to emotions in ourselves and others. We experience all of the emotions, as part of the human experience as children, but then...
While talking with a very dear friend, a question came up that caused some reflection and introspection.
To summarize, she had been with a partner that had some manipulative tendencies. As I have had experiences with abusive relationships, she felt safe to talk to me about her experiences.
-when we are falling into old patterns
-running away from change
-or acting out of anxiety
-when our needs aren't being met
-our boundaries are being crossed
-or a situation is actually harmful
It boiled down to..
It's common in the "conscious community" to look at difficult situations in our lives as periods of resistance that are helping us to grow and look at our own shit.
The issue is, in an intimate relationship, when you have trauma patterns, it can be hard to see where you are growing and where you are letting your boundaries be crossed.
COVID-19 pushed my long distance partnership quickly into an intensely close relationship.
My partner and I had been long distance for a few months, knowing that in the future, I had plans on moving closer. After quitting my job of almost three years, the plan was to travel to his city, spend a few days at his place before a series of extended stays with girlfriends until a more permanent living situation was determined. Things quickly changed with COVID but we mutually decided that it was better to be in the same city and that we would figure it out from there. 31 hours of driving, plus a short 4 hours of hotel-room sleep got me to his doorstep. Isolation protocols were recommended shortly after my return and the original couple nights staying at his place, with his two roommates, turned into "for the foreseeable future". As expected, we both began to find our own traumas and wounded children appearing in our relationship. When you all of the sudden spend every waking moment...
I frequently find ways to honor my body and soul. Sometimes this looks like spending several hours "getting ready" in the morning before work; I might start with meditation, jump into a bubble bath followed by slipping into lingerie and a silky robe and dancing around with a face mask on. Sometimes honoring myself can be saying no and taking time to reflect and recover if I need it. My most recent and extravagant way of honoring myself was to hold a ceremony for my menstrual cycle.
Honestly, I've been extremely out of alignment with my body for most of my life. Despite working out almost daily (and sometimes as much as twice a day!), I hated looking at my body naked. I loved to have sex fully naked, but in the dark, with all lights off, my eyes closed and a nice layer of blankets around to semi-shield direct exposure. But, above all my other body image quirks and painful self talk, nothing brought more self-loathing and disgust than my own menstrual cycle.
I have a deep, deep desire to be wanted. I couldn't always put the words to what that need was, but looking back now, I can recognize this starting as early as childhood. I needed to fit in with the kids at school, I wanted to be the popular kid, centre of attention. This flowed into when I was a young adult, always needing people to invite me and being crushed if I wasn't involved. It also showed up when I started getting attention from men.
So now, as I sit on the couch, bawling in the fetal position, at 7AM I type this. Sometimes, getting triggered to look into the trauma of my past and my shadow is fucking painful. I've hidden and pushed down so much guilt and shame in the trauma of my past. It's served me long enough, to get to this point, but there comes a day and a time where it stops serving me and gets to become medicine for myself and others. Today is that day.
While making a "sexy" playlist, dancing music to sway my hips to, I came upon a song that triggered...
I am a pleasure activist. What does that mean? To me, that means I care about and engage myself and others in things that are pleasurable. I speak, write and converse about what feels good. Sometimes I become a victim of my own need for instant gratification, like the feeling that comes when I decide to go back to bed in the morning and skip a workout. But when I really listen to what "feels good" I know that sleeping in and skipping the gym provides about ten percent of the feel good vibes I would get if I had absolute crushed a hard workout. The feeling of leaving the gym, knowing that I truly pushed myself and gave it my all has a much bigger payout.
In life, we are always looking to run towards pleasure or run away from pain. That part is human nature; all of our unconscious actions and trauma related beliefs work to shield us. I've found that when consistently searching for pleasure, I spend much less time having to run away from pain. I am able to use pleasure and what...
I've bounced back and forth between writing about body image for months now, primarily because it's one of those ideas I have not quite gotten a grip on. I feel like missing the physical part of the whole "self love" game makes me feel like a bit of a fraud.
I can say that over the last few years, I physically haven't changed much. I've gained a little weight, lost a little weight, filled out with muscle and had things normalize. My point with this is that despite the fact that physically I have not changed a whole lot, the voice inside my head is certain that several times per day, I go from being "super model hot" to practically bursting out of my clothing in all the most unflattering places. Internally, I create this perception of what I am that is different from reality and it comes with an aggressive inner critic.
The internal critic is genuinely not satisfied most of the time and I let this dissatisfaction rule how I've felt about my body for far too long. This...
I lost someone close to me; back in a time when I didn't have a clue what loss was or what close to me could really mean. But, I lost someone I cared about and it broke me. Even to this day, the grooves where my emotional responses stem from, I feel the triggers lie deep. Every now and again, I will feel the emotion where logic could never be and a harmless conversation takes me to a place of guilt and deep, deep sadness.
Just over two years ago, after a brief and bright beginning of a relationship, a person I had cared about so passionately had passed. It was never fully explained to me if the passing was an accident or not, but there was always a huge level of guilt that I had felt around the situation. Close to the time of his passing, this wonderful, kind spirit had expressed his painful emotional struggle. He was going through the depths of hell and was struggling to keep going. I had been in the same place, just a few years previously, but I didn't have the language or...